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Так я вновь оказался в Париже. Но я ошибся, на Западе меня ожидала интересная жизнь. Устроился, побыв немного времени клошаром, в «Русскую Мысль» журналистом, затем познакомился с национальной политической организацией Народно-трудовой союз российских солидаристов (НТС).

Во мне жило знание о ватном занавесе на Западе, но поначалу я с ним не встретился, не ткнулся головой, а он меня, разумеется, терпеливо поджидал за поворотом. Но не за первым. Несколько лет я писал то, что хотел, а это, люди добрые, должен сказать, огромное удовольствие. Я сразу не сообразил, что главный редактор княгиня Зинаида Алексеевна Шаховская дает мне волю писать без малейшей цензуры, поскольку ей самой близка русская идея.

Когда американцы купили «Русскую Мысль» и прислали очередного русского аристократа графа Серафима Николаевича Милорадовича, который вежливо сменил Шаховскую, для меня ничего не изменилось: у него дома в прихожей висел двухметровый портрет Екатерины ІІ, и мы с ним подружились, хотя свой антиамериканизм я особенно не скрывал. Но Россию и белых генералов Милорадович тоже любил. Он был монархистом, конечно не конституционным, но меня это не смущало. Меня в ту пору устраивало все и везде, где нет социализма. После работы в газете я иногда ходил на улицу Бломе в особнячок НТС, где чувствовал себя дома, хотя явно левая программа этой национальной русской организации меня всячески раздражала. Но не ее прошлое.

Для меня основным врагом была советская власть, поскольку только ее уничтожение могло расчистить место для возрождения России. Именно в силу этого мой сугубо политический антиамериканизм (а он живет в каждом русском или французском националисте) не мешал мне искренно считать США союзником и всем нутром желать победы США над СССР в Холодной войне.

Поэтому и логику Третьей силы НТС во время войны я полностью оправдал. Но в любом случае выбора у меня не было: НТС был единственной русской национальной организацией, поэтому, покритиковав программу, я стал членом НТС, — и на далеком горизонте для меня засияла цель. Удовольствие, скажу я вам, большое, когда много лет бродишь по миру неприкаянный, замкнутый, а затем многие свои ценности и стремления, в тебе живущие, находишь в чем-то большем по сравнению с твоими личными возможностями. Тут можно многим пожертвовать и многим рискнуть, а как же, ведь игра, наконец, стоит свеч, если появился реальный шанс победить, пусть даже крохотный.

Через несколько лет Милорадович ушел с поста главного редактора, и в его кресло американцы посадили Ирину Алексеевну Иловайскую-Альберти, вчерашнюю секретаршу Солженицына в Вермонте. Как только в 1980 году в Польше забурлили благородные страсти «Солидарности», все первые страницы «Русской Мысли» постепенно стали заполняться польскими материалами, и я через год завопил: Господа, у нас тут не польская, а русская мысль.

Вот тогда потихоньку и появился передо мной ватный занавес. Меня стали меньше печатать, советовали образумиться, затем предали остракизму, перестали печатать, и я воспользовался возможностью написать на работе свой второй роман «Тавро». Иловайскую много и часто ругали, хотя на деле она лишь выполняла приказы своего начальства. Но в ней, как я понял, сидел чиновник глупый и инициативный — худшая порода, поэтому бедная женщина не смогла сделать достойной карьеры. В общем, вызвала она меня к себе в кабинет, и я вновь услышал: Владимир Мечиславович, пора ехать.

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